Let's Talk about IPV in 🌈Queer Relationships

charleescott
Nov 5
4 min read

Key Takeaways:

Discrimination and stigma place added pressure on queer relationships, heightening the risk of intimate partner violence (IPV).
Finding help is complex. Queer survivors face institutional barriers like provider bias, lack of cultural competence, and fear of being misunderstood or mistreated.
Affirming, trauma-informed care is essential. Survivors need support that honors their identities and understands the intersections of gender, sexuality, and trauma.
Community and systems both shape safety.

By Charlee Scott

Intimate partner violence (IPV) occurs at alarming rates across all communities, yet it remains consistently high among LGBTQIA+ relationships. Recent national data from the CDC’s Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System show that 44% of lesbian women, 61% of bisexual women, and 37% of bisexual men have experienced physical, sexual, or psychological IPV—rates that meet or exceed those of their heterosexual peers [5].

These numbers never stop making me uncomfortable. They reveal how gender, sexuality, and power are tightly interwoven, and how violence can hide in the very spaces where people seek love and safety.

As a cis woman, I was taught that people "like me" are always the victims. But when a person causing harm shares your identity, you start asking hard questions, like: Why does this happen in our community? What forces shape this pain?

The answers are complex. The LGBTQIA+ acronym isn’t just a set of letters—it’s a reflection of our diversity. Queer relationships exist under pressure, and that doesn’t stay outside the relationship; it spills into the most intimate parts of our lives. Research shows that internalized homophobia and chronic discrimination are linked to higher rates of IPV [1]. When stigma becomes self-belief, it can be devastating.

Barriers to Finding Support

Barriers to seeking help exist for all survivors—guilt, shame, financial strain, fear, and self-doubt. But queer survivors often face added challenges that lead to higher rates of IPV. Social stigma also plays a role. Men, for instance, may not recognize their own victimization or fear being seen as weak or violent.

One study found that 76% of male survivors didn’t report because they didn't realize they were being abused [2].

Most IPV research focuses on cisgender women and male perpetrators, leaving out survivors who don’t fit that mold. This narrow lens makes it harder for providers to recognize and support queer survivors, especially men and nonbinary people whose experiences are often dismissed or mischaracterized.

Transgender individuals, for example, are more likely to face homelessness, job discrimination, and isolation—conditions that increase vulnerability to abuse and make leaving harder. When basic needs like housing or income are unstable, staying with an abusive partner can feel like the only option [3].

Finding the Right Therapy

While not all therapy options are safe, this shouldn't deter you from seeking help; rather, it highlights the importance of carefully choosing where to get it. Unique experiences require unique services. It’s crucial to find providers who specialize in queer experiences, intimate partner violence (IPV), trauma-informed care, and who comprehend the systemic stressors affecting the lives of queer IPV survivors and perpetrators. Additionally, it's important to know and understand why you are seeking this type of care.

Trauma-informed care offers real benefits: it increases a client’s sense of empowerment, improves emotional regulation, and reduces social withdrawal [4].

But trauma-informed care alone isn’t enough. It doesn’t necessarily reduce feelings of shame tied to negative core beliefs [4]. Shame is almost foundational to the queer experience—it can lead to internalized homophobia and even bias against other queer identities.

Healing from abuse takes more than just finding a trauma-informed therapist—it means finding someone who understands what it’s like to carry both trauma and queer identity. The most effective approaches center on trauma-informed care that weaves in minority stress and identity affirmation [4]; relationship-focused work that helps same-sex partners rebuild trust and coping skills [1]; and gender-affirming, intersectional support that meets the unique needs of transgender and male survivors [3][4].

This type of support doesn’t just address the violence—it helps you reclaim safety, connection, and self-worth in ways that fully honor who you are.

Safety Through Connection & Community

The LGBTQIA+ community has long understood and practiced fostering care and community within our own circles.

Community, too, plays a powerful role in safety. Being part of a queer-affirming network can offer connection, validation, and a sense of belonging that counters isolation. That’s why Pride is more than a celebration—it’s a protective force. It’s the quiet, internal knowing that your love, your identity, and your presence deserve to be seen, supported, and safe.

Unfortunately, some abusive partners may try to sever those connections—isolating their loved ones or keeping relationships hidden. Internalized homophobia, often rooted in shame, is linked to lower commitment and greater relational instability [1]. In queer relationships, strong mutual commitment—emotional, material, and spiritual—can offer protection against intimate partner violence. These shared resources become especially vital during times of stress in and outside of the relationship [1].

Systems Shape Safety

Systemic oppression and cultural stigma can make it harder for queer individuals to recognize abuse, seek support, or feel safe doing so. These barriers don’t just increase vulnerability to IPV—they make healing more difficult. While this reality may not be surprising, it is deeply painful.

That’s why affirming identity-conscious care matters. Queer survivors need providers who see the full weight of their experiences and respond with empathy. The shame many carry is layered and complex—and their care must understand these complexities.

References

[1] Li, X., Curran, M. A., Butler, E., Mills‐Koonce, W. R., & Cao, H. (2022). Sexual minority stressors and intimate partner violence among same‐sex couples: Commitment as a resource. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51(6), 2317–2335. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02261-9

[2] McLeod, D. A., Ozturk, B., Butler-King, R. L., & Peek, H. (2024). Male survivors of domestic violence, challenges in cultural response, and impact on identity and help-seeking behaviors: A systematic review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 25(2), 1397–1410. https://doi.org/10.1177/152483802838101273713171783

[3] Peitzmeier, S. M., Malik, M., Kattari, S. K., Marrow, E., Stephenson, R., Agénor, M., & Reisner, S. L. (2020). Intimate partner violence in transgender populations: Systematic review and meta-analysis of prevalence and correlates. American Journal of Public Health, 110(9), 1341–1350. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2020.305774

[4] Scheer, J. R., & Poteat, V. P. (2021). Trauma-informed care and health among LGBTQ intimate partner violence survivors. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 36(13–14), 6670–6692. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260519839426

[5] Walters, M. L., & Chen, J. (2023). Intimate partner violence among sexual and gender minority adults, United States, 2017–2020. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 65(4), 482–492. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amepre.2023.05.013