Let’s Talk Attachment 👩🏽🤝👨🏿: Why Your Relationship Patterns Aren’t Random
- Bianca Bell
- Nov 17
- 4 min read
Updated: Nov 24
Key Points:
Attachment theory explains how early relationships shape adult connection patterns.
Three main styles: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant—none are “bad,” just different ways of coping.
Understanding your style helps interrupt reactive cycles and build intentional relationships.
Neuroscience supports attachment theory—our brains are wired for connection, and patterns can shift with support.
Secure attachment is possible through awareness, healing, and emotionally safe relationships.
By Bianca Bell
Lately, I’ve noticed a pattern in my sessions: no matter where we begin—grief, boundaries, dating, burnout—we often end up talking about attachment. Honestly, it makes sense: as humans, we are wired for connection, and understanding how we show up in relationships — through conflict, connection, and emotional availability — ultimately supports our own growth, development, and wellbeing.
A few years ago, a colleague recommended Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel JK Heller, and it's become a staple resource in my therapy room. This book breaks down attachment theory in a practical way- affirming and full of “ohhh, that’s why I do that” moments. It helps you understand how your attachment style shapes the way you connect, communicate, and cope—with zero jargon and no judgment.
Understanding Attachment: What the Science Says
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep choosing the same kind of partner?” or “Why do I panic when someone pulls away?”—you’re not alone. These patterns often trace back to attachment style, and understanding yours can be a game-changer.
Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that our early caregiver relationships form internal “working models” that guide how we seek closeness and handle conflict. These models persist into adulthood, influencing everything from texting habits to how we repair after a fight [1].
Levine and Heller outline three primary attachment styles—secure, anxious, and avoidant—and offer practical tools to help readers identify their own style and approach relationships with greater intention. In essence, these styles reflect distinct patterns:
Secure individuals tend to feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence.
Anxious individuals often crave closeness but fear rejection or abandonment.
Avoidant individuals value independence and tend to withdraw from emotional intimacy, often out of a deep fear of being hurt.
Notably, the book doesn’t explore the anxious-avoidant (or disorganized) style, which is marked by a painful push-pull dynamic—the longing for connection paired with a fear of being harmed by it.
Even more compelling—modern neuroscience supports this. A 2021 study by Deng et al. used resting-state brain scans (fMRI) to show how attachment anxiety and avoidance show up in the brain’s activity patterns [2].
Our attachment style is shaped by how our brain handles emotions and detects threats. Research shows:
Anxious attachment is linked to brain activity that makes us more emotionally sensitive and reactive.
Avoidant attachment is tied to lower activity in areas that help us process emotions and connect with others.
Secure attachment supports balanced emotions and resilience, though it’s been studied less in brain research.
These insights reinforce that attachment isn’t just psychological—it’s neurobiological. Understanding these patterns can help us approach healing with both compassion and clarity [2].
That’s why, for a person with an anxious attachment style, a delayed text can feel like abandonment, or for an avoidant style, why vulnerability might make you want to ghost. But here’s the good news—your brain can rewire. Secure attachment is something we can grow into, especially in safe, supportive relationships. Thanks to neuroplasticity, we can shift toward secure attachment through therapy, self-awareness, and emotionally safe relationships [3].
Attachment is About Relationship Patterns- It’s Not About “Good” or “Bad”
One of the most grounding reminders in Attached is that attachment styles aren’t moral failings—they’re adaptive patterns. And patterns can shift. When we begin to understand our own style (and our partner’s), we move from spiraling into clarity, from reactivity into intentional connection.
This isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about knowing yourself. While the book offers valuable insights, it’s worth noting a few limitations:
The three-style framework—secure, anxious, and avoidant—can feel limited, and many people shift between styles depending on context, relationship history, or nervous system state.
The book centers on romantic relationships, with less attention to friendships, chosen family, or cultural nuance—areas where attachment also plays a vital role.
For a deeper exploration, consider pairing Attached with reflective tools like writing prompts or journaling. We've created a list of journal prompts—designed to help you reflect on relationship patterns, emotional safety, and how you show up in connection.
Get curious with your experience. Some questions you can consider asking yourself:
“What kind of love feels safe to me—and why?”
“What do I want to unlearn about connection?”
“What does secure attachment look like in my life now?”
Exploring your current and past experiences with relationships in therapy can also help you reclaim attachment as a living, evolving part of your healing—not a fixed label.
Resources:
[1] Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee
[2] Deng, Y., Zhao, Y., Zhang, Y., & Luo, C. (2021). Neural basis underlying the trait of attachment anxiety and avoidance revealed by the amplitude of low-frequency fluctuations and resting-state functional connectivity. BMC Neuroscience, 22(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12868-021-00617-4
[3] Fonagy, P. (2019). The neuroscience of attachment. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 214(6), 318–319. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjp.2019.7
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